my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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