Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
