Ambien. No doubt about it.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
