New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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