I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
