the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
