Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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