I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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