So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i drank out of a bidet.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
