OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
