if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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