Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
