So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
