I just pynch a tree in the face
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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