i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
