Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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