I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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