have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize