Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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