I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
