Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I enjoy the company of your penis
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