I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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