We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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