whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
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He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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