Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
