i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
