Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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