; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
