Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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