I wish I only lived at night.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
