what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
