How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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