I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
