I wanna passion pit in your ass
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
