I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
