Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
