Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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