I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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