Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
