I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
