Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
