Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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