Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
