she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
