just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
