hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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