Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
