Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
