mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
