drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
