Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
