Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
