just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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