The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
