The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I want a musical about memes.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
