and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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