He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
