Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
