can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm going to jail i love you
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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