I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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